Thursday, July 21, 2011

Kaitlin. Analyzing Life's Nonexistant Problems. One milisecond at a Time.

I think if I had to pick one word to describe me, and one word only, it would be analytical.

Not in an awesome-intelligent way (I wish), but in an all-consuming-bordering-on-psychosis way.

I am constantly, and I mean constantly, analyzing my complete surrounding to the minute detail.

Everything I do, and I mean EVERYTHING, I break down to the tiniest detail of how I perceive that detail, and how others perceive that detail.

And, most of the time, my “analysis” is pure insanity/nonsense.

Example.

I have a really cool ring, that fits snugly on my thumb (my fingers are little), that my sister gave me.

It is a simple sliver band that reads: Love, Hope, Faith evenly spaced around its circumference.

I am almost obsessed with the fact that it turns slightly around my finger throughout the day, and as an event happens, I will glance at that ring to see if the word most directly visible to me corresponds with the event taking place.

And then, if it does, I spiral into a spiritual frenzy along the lines of that I have a magical ring.

If it doesn’t I obsess over the “meaning” of this (obviously) fateful occurrence.

(I told you I was freaking crazy.)

This is just one example of my mindfully busybody life.

I am constantly using the world around me to explain and justify my thoughts, feelings, desires, and mental rants.

I am an expert, nay a champion, of rationalization.

The Butterfly Effect is no doubt my favorite movie.

It’s actually amazing that I am even able to get through my day.

People who know me well have seen the times where I get too sucked up into Kaitlin rationalization. I panic.

It will seem like I made a rash decision, or I am just being a big baby about a situation.

In reality, my brain has totally destroyed a simple decision and I just cannot move forward.

This, of course, spirals me into another series of questioning about my NON-decision being a decision and how THAT is affecting me/the others around me.

People sometimes see me as “Black and White” and that always shocks me.

You see, I am SO in the gray, that I appear to everyone else above my sea of whirpooling thoughts “All or Nothing,” “Black and White.”

I read something yesterday that I think really applies to the way I live my life.

I hope I can use it to move forward, as most of my analytical processes involve how OTHERS will perceive this action, these words, this outfit, these ideas.

When I was 20, I was upset over the way people thought of me.
When I was 40, I didn’t care what people thought of me.
When I was 60, I realized that people were never thinking of me.


This is so simple and wonderfully peaceful.

God welcomes us to live a life where we are impressing HIM and no one else.

We see this as some enormous, almost impossible feat.

To live as if we are only gaining His acceptance.

How could we do that? Don’t we have bosses, and husbands, and friends, and pastors, and people-who-we-think-are-better-than-us to impress?

It is, obviously, the Devil who plays this as insurmountable.

When, in reality, people are a lot less noticing of you. Like, a lot less.

And if they do notice you, they are judging you maybe, maybe 1/3 of the time you think they are.

Maybe it is easier than I thought to ignore the judgments, the would-be judgments, the looks and the gossip. Maybe most of it isn’t even really there at all.

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